


The magic in you

by ca_te



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Adventure, M/M, Magic Revealed, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-02
Updated: 2011-04-02
Packaged: 2017-10-17 11:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/176510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur has to go to Tintagel, the place where his mother was born, and Merlin decides to accompany him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The magic in you

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to casualtheatrics for the beta! This is dedicated to my lovely Icequeenrex <3

The magic in you

 

The morning sun was pale over the roofs of Camelot. Winter had settled in and the sky was usually full of thin, white clouds. Merlin liked to look at them, to follow their dance up above. Sometimes he wished he could be as light as a cloud, to float around without constraints. But then he thought of Arthur and he knew that he had to stay. He was the one who had to help Arthur to build the future and, even if the thought was quite scary, deep inside he was happy to know that destiny had tied the two of them. That way he would not lose Arthur.

He pulled his jacket tighter around his slim body as he crossed the courtyard. His eyes were still heavy with sleep and he had to force them open in order not to stumble into one of the other servants who were already awake and moving around the castle. Over the two years that he had spent in Camelot he had become fond of the quiet buzzing of life which filled the streets, of the old walls of the castle, of his small room. He no longer missed Ealdor as much as he had done when he first arrived on a lonely summer day.

He breathed in the warmth of the passages as he walked towards the kitchens to fetch Arthur’s breakfast. He knew that he was late and he knew that Arthur would point it out. It was just like that between them, as if their parts had been written in a book and they kept going over them. It was oddly warm and reassuring.

 As Merlin waited for the food to be ready he absently munched on a piece of bread which Gaius had given him when he left. He smiled around it at the thought that indeed he and Arthur had grown closer to each other over time. Of course he still was a servant and Arthur was still his prince and a bit of a prat sometimes, but at some point Arthur seemed to have realised that he could rely on Merlin.

When Merlin entered the chambers Arthur was already awake and dressed. He was standing in front of the window. For a moment Merlin remained silent watching as the sun got caught by the golden of Arthur’s hair. He wasn’t fast enough to avert his gaze when Arthur turned.

“And what would you be doing standing there like a statue?”

Merlin grinned.

“Waiting for your _pratness_ to turn and come to fetch his breakfast.”

Arthur scowled but Merlin knew that there was no intent in it. He had come to recognise those thin lines at the corners of Arthur’s eyes and that peculiar kind of light which danced in his irises when he was amused. It was good to see Arthur smile, it putted things in a good perspective and it made Merlin sure that it would be a good day. For a brief instant he thought that he would do everything in his power to protect that smile, to keep it there. The moment he realised what he was thinking he felt his ears grow hotter. This wasn’t how things had been at the beginning, Arthur had only been his mission. When he first had spoken with the Dragon he hadn’t had that stone-cold certainty right in the middle of his soul.

Arthur was staring at him and Merlin tried to fight the blush which was starting to creep over his cheeks.

“Merlin, are you alright? You seem dumber than usual, which by the way should be impossible!”

Merlin was grateful that Arthur’s words had brought him back to reality. He grinned.

“I shall inform you that it’s better to be dumb than a prat, _sire_!”

He laughed as Arthur playfully swatted him. Merlin felt something warm bubbling up in his chest at the thought that friends behaved like that. He didn’t say anything, though. Arthur smiled and gestured for him to sit down. This was an habit which they had fallen into without really talking about it. It simply had happened and now Merlin  usually sat with Arthur as he had his breakfast. Arthur always pushed towards him a bit of bread and fruit. The first time Merlin hadn’t known how to react, he had looked warily at the food and then at Arthur. The prince’s eyes had been soft and gentle when he had said that Merlin should help himself before he could change his mind.

Merlin was quietly munching a piece of bread when someone knocked at the door. He quickly scrambled up to his feet and moved to stand by Arthur’s side. Arthur hid a laugh at the sight of Merlin’s imitation of a good servant and said to come in to whoever had knocked. A herald stood in the doorway.

“The king has requested your presence, sire.”

Merlin looked as the man bowed and closed the door, then he turned towards Arthur. The prince wasn’t looking at him. He gently squeezed Arthur’s shoulder.

“Arthur, you should go or your father would be annoyed.”

Arthur  brushed his fingers over Merlin’s for an instant, still looking at his half-empty plate. Merlin was quite sure that his heart had just jumped inside his chest. Arthur had never touched him like that. Of course over time they had grown closer to each other; they no longer were embarrassed when their hands brushed against each other or when they felt the urge to hug each other after a particularly hard quest or battle, when the relief of finding the other safe was too much to be contained. But they had never touched like that, such a simple and small gesture. Arthur must have realised that too because he quickly slipped his fingers away and when he turned towards Merlin, his cheeks were slightly pink. Merlin tried to push away the thought that Arthur looked even more beautiful like that.

Merlin remained in the prince’s chambers after Arthur had left. He opened the window and let the cold air invade the room. He turned around, taking in Arthur’s bed and his clothes. To be surrounded by Arthur’s things did weird things to him. It felt  as if he was standing in a safe and warm place. He shook his head. He didn’t even remember when he had started to feel that way. When had his affection for Arthur had morphed in something like longing and the sensation of slowly burning inside? His eyes landed on the white expanse of linen covering Arthur’s bed, on the shields hung over the fire place and it hurt a bit to be reminded of the distance which would always remain between the two of them. Arthur would become a king, he would need a wife, he would not look at him as something more than a friend. He passed the rest of the day immersed in his tasks, trying to think of that as little as he could. It was only when the sun set that he went back to Arthur’s chambers.

He found Arthur sitting in front of the fire, his eyes were fixed on the flames. Merlin coughed to announce his presence. Arthur didn’t turn but his shoulders seemed to relax as if Merlin’s presence could somehow ease his tension. Merlin knew that something was off, he could sense it.

“Arthur…is everything alright? What did your father want?”

Arthur’s voice was low and Merlin had to strain his ears to hear him.

“He said there is a problem at the west border. Mercenaries might want to take Tintagel. He wants me to go there.”

Merlin had never seen Arthur so upset about a mission. He swallowed and moved closer until he was standing right beside Arthur.

“There’s something more to it, isn’t it?”

Arthur looked at him and his eyes were wide and watery like a child’s.

“It’s where my mother was from.”

The words hung in the air over their heads, over the fire and they didn’t dissolve. Merlin fought the urge to hug Arthur, to whisper in his ear that everything would be alright. He had come to know that side of Arthur, the one of a boy who had grown up alone, but it hurt anyway to see him so lost. He knew the secret of Ygraine’s death thanks to Gaius and he knew that Arthur would be broken if he discovered it, when he had grown up hating magic and all that came with it.  Before he even realised what he was doing the words were already out of his mouth.

“I’ll come with you.”

*

Arthur leaned against the window and watched as Merlin prepared his horse. He didn’t even know why he had agreed to let Merlin come with him. He watched as Merlin’s fingers moved quickly as he secured the bags to the back of the animal. His cheeks and nose were red because of the cold. Arthur sighed and moved away from the window scanning his room to find what he needed.

Something warm blossomed around his heart at the sight of Merlin’s surprise as he handed him an old cloak. Merlin’s eyes were big and blue in the cold morning air and Arthur couldn’t help but think that they were one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. More than the moon, more than the stars. He quickly averted his gaze and dismissed Merlin’s thanks with a small gesture of his hand. He saluted the knights who would accompany them, he had chosen them personally and he allowed himself a small proud smile because he had trained those men and he knew that they were the best that Camelot could offer. He smiled as Sir Leon bowed his head. The thought that Merlin would never bow in front of him crossed his mind and for an instant he felt deeply grateful for the fact that Merlin was so different from everyone else.

Arthur had always liked to ride, it emptied his mind and managed to loosen the knots which sometimes formed inside of him, under all the responsibilities and the worries. But that time it didn’t work. The knowledge that he was going to the place where his mother had been born was a heavy weight on his heart. He didn’t remember anything about her; not her face, not her perfume. He missed her, though, and he hated that there was nothing to do about it. He hated to be so helpless in her absence. He looked at the road stretching in front of him and tried to ignore the tightness in his chest.

Then Merlin’s horse was beside his own and Merlin was smiling at him.

“It’s cold, isn’t it?”

Arthur blinked and for a moment remained silent, simply looking at the whiteness of Merlin’s smile. He knew that Merlin was trying to reach out for him. He had noticed how often the other boy did it. He didn’t even try to fight a smile.

“Yeah it is. And you would have frozen to death if it wasn’t for my cloak, remember it!”

He grinned at the sight of Merlin’s faked pout.

Sometimes he regretted being so closed, was so afraid to let his true feelings slip out. If he were different he would have reached over and hugged Merlin. But he was who he was and even if he wanted to tell Merlin that he was grateful to have his friendship he couldn’t. He only allowed himself to smile at Merlin before focusing again on the brown and icy line of the road.

It was only when they stopped at an inn for the night and Merlin was soundly asleep that Arthur freed his thoughts. He lay on his side looking at Merlin’s sleeping form. He wished he could be closer, he wished he could fall asleep lulled by Merlin’s warmth. But once again this was something that he couldn’t do. What he could do was lay there, imagining what it would be like not to be a prince and simply tell Merlin that he wanted him by his side, always. When sleep was tugging at the edge of his consciousness Arthur blew out the candle. His words were a whisper in the darkness of the room.

“Good night, Merlin.”

Arthur dreamt of running through a forest until he reached an opening. The grass was hidden under a blanket of snow. No one was there and Arthur felt lost. He wanted to call for someone and the first name that came to his lips was his mother’s name. He repeated it over and over as he knelt on the white surface. No one came and he could feel the coldness sinking inside his bones. Finally he felt gentle fingers on his shoulders. He didn’t turn but he knew exactly who the person was. He simply whispered in the cold stillness of the air.  _Merlin._

“Arthur? Did you call me?”

Arthur cracked his eyes open and was greeted by the sight of Merlin’s face. His eyes were big and his brow was knotted with concern. The memory of the dream came twirling into Arthur’s mind and he quickly sat up almost knocking into Merlin in the process.

“What the hell, Arthur?”

Arthur kept his eyes on the blanket as he mumbled something along the lines of “I’m your prince, you shouldn’t speak to me like that.”

Once they were out again he took a deep breath. The cold air swirled in his lungs and he welcomed it. Somehow it managed to lift the confusion which the dream had lay down on him. The memory of Merlin’s fingers, of the relief that he had felt as he had understood that Merlin was there still lingered in his mind, though.

*

Merlin couldn’t help but look at Arthur from the corner of his eye. He had been acting weird since when he had woken up and Merlin had a nagging little sensation at the back of his mind. He wondered what it could be. He looked at the bare branches of the trees. They seemed like lines traced with black ink on the white surface of the sky. It felt like a foreboding presentiment and he didn’t like it at all. He looked at Arthur once more, quietly storing away all the details. The smoothness of Arthur’s skin, the focused glinting in his eyes, the straight line of his back. Sometimes Arthur made him think of a statue or an illustration in some old book. Sometimes Merlin was ashamed of his devotion because he knew it reached too deep, because he knew  that what moved him was not simply loyalty. It was so much more, and it was scary to think of it. He sighed and watched as his breath formed small clouds before rising up and dispersing in the air.

It was almost noon when they entered the valley where Tintagel lay. Arthur stopped his horse and let his gaze roam over the fields and the hills covered with snow. Merlin couldn’t take his eyes off the small town. Something was pulling at him. It was as if an invisible hand had entered his ribcage and was pulling at his heart. There was something off with the place, he was sure of it. He could feel magic uncurling under the white surface, he could feel magic breathing as a big sleeping animal. Then Arthur signalled to go ahead and the knights started to move. Merlin went back to Arthur’s side. He had the weird sensation that if he left Arthur alone he would lose him.

The more they moved closer to the town the more he could feel Arthur tensing up. It was weird how much he had grown connected to him, how he could sense what Arthur was feeling without difficulties most of the time. He wondered if that was how it was like to be someone’s destiny. It was painful, though, to feel Arthur’s distress and not be able to kiss it all away. He quickly turned around and when he was sure that the knights’ attention wasn’t on him or on Arthur he leant forward and brushed his hand along Arthur’s arm. He didn’t need to speak, he could read in the azure of Arthur’s eyes that he had understood. His heart skipped a bit as Arthur covered his hand with his own and squeezed a bit. _I am here, Arthur_. But he didn’t say it, he simply squeezed back.

The town was not different from Camelot, Merlin thought as they rode along the main road. There was  no direct sign of magic, or at least none that Merlin could sense or see clearly. There was something odd, though. It made Merlin’s heart race faster and it made him want to hug Arthur and hide him from the world. He swallowed at the force of the sensation and tried to focus.

He realised that he hadn’t asked Arthur where they were going to stay while in Tintagel but then moment they stopped in front of an old castle realisation dawned on him. He turned towards Arthur. His features were hard and closed. Merlin knew that that was going to be hard on him, to stay in the very place where his mother had lived before she had moved to Camelot to marry Uther. The castle was old, the walls dark and ruined in some spots. Gaius had said something about the misfortune of Lady Ygraine’s household. Arthur called him and Merlin snapped out of his thoughts. He quickly got off the horse and helped Arthur to do the same. Arthur’s eyes were shadowed when their gazes meet. Merlin tried to give him a reassuring smile. Only the left corner of Arthur’s mouth quirked up, but at least it was something.

He wasn’t pleased when he discovered that the rooms for the servants were on the opposite side of the castle. He didn’t like to be away from Arthur in a place he didn’t know. The passages in the castle were too dark, the sense of danger was too sharp at the back of his mind. The moon was pale and high in the sky when he silently tried to find his way to Arthur’s chamber. The darkness of the castle was filled up with whispers and Merlin shivered. He was standing in the middle of a corridor in the process of remembering if he had to go to the left or to the right when he had the distinct sensation that someone had just brushed cold fingers through his hair. He turned abruptly but there was no one in sight. The magic light which he had evocated painted long shadows over the stony walls. He turned and took the stairs on the left.

After a while walking along corridors and climbing other stairs he started to realise that he had no idea of where he was. He passed a hand through his hair as the light ball twirled around him. Then he spotted a thin yellow line on the floor as if light was passing under a closed door. He moved in that direction and came to an halt in front of an old door. It was ajar so Merlin waved off the light he had conjured and moved closer. A woman was standing in front of the window, staring out into the night. The light of a single candle slid along her dress and over her hair. They were golden as Arthur’s. Merlin felt something knotting inside his chest. He swallowed dry. The air got knocked out of his lungs when the woman turned and looked straight at him. Her eyes were azure as the sky. He turned and ran. He only stopped when his lungs were burning and he was back to his room. His heart bit like a drum against his ribcage. The sight of those eyes seemed to have carved a hole into his chest. He wanted to see Arthur.

This time he was careful to remember where he was going and after a little he reached the right room. He silently pushed the door open. Arthur was laying in the middle of the bed. Merlin moved closer until he could spot Arthur’s features in the half-light silently emanating from his fingertips.  Arthur seemed younger and Merlin let his thoughts float around. He imagined how Arthur could have been when he had been a child. A wave of affection rose inside of him and he lightly brushed his fingertips over Arthur’s forehead. A small part of him wished that he had grown up together with him, so that Arthur would have never felt alone. Merlin shook his head. Since they had arrived in Tintagel, he had been feeling the desire to hold Arthur, to protect him more than he had never experienced over the years. He knelt on the floor pillowing his head with his arms. The mattress was soft and Arthur’s breathing was regular as he dreamt.

*

Arthur opened his eyes and looked at the blue canopy over his head. He felt as if something heavy had settled on his stomach during the night. For a moment he thought about the stories which his nanny had used to tell him when he was a child. Stories about monsters which sat on people’s stomachs and brought them nightmares. He closed his eyes and opened them again. His breath itched as he turned on one side and saw Merlin. He was sleeping, his head resting on his folded arms. His skin seemed even whiter and his eyelashes seemed so dark against it. Arthur couldn’t help but reach out and quietly brush his knuckles over the ridge of a cheekbone. He pulled back quickly as Merlin’s mumbled something and cracked his eyes open.

“Arthur?”

“Merlin, why are you here?”

Arthur tried not to think too much about the softness that he had poured into his words. Merlin scrambled up to his feet, a faint blush staining his cheeks.

“I…uhm…”

Arthur smiled.

“Alright, I forgot that speaking might be difficult for you.”

Merlin grinned and Arthur felt something come to an halt inside of him at the sight. He lowered his gaze on the blankets.

“Next time don’t sleep half on the floor or you’ll get a cold.”

He didn’t lift his gaze to be sure that Merlin had understood what he had truly wanted to say. He wasn’t ready yet to discover if his affection had a reason to exist. He just lifted his gaze enough to see Merlin’s fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

“So, help me get ready or we’ll be late.”

The room of the throne was smaller than the one in Camelot and darker. There was an old wooden throne against the farthest wall and old standards hung on the walls. Arthur tried to hold his imagination at bay but it was impossible not to imagine his mother when she was a child and she would sit with her own mother during ceremonies. He used to do that too when he was a child, to sit beside his father as he spoke, light filling the room and making the golden dragons on the standards shine. He didn’t have a mother on whose knees he could sit, though. He bit his lower lip and tried to focus on the words of welcome from the lord of the city. He was a distant relative of his mother. He didn’t feel related to him or to his wife. Merlin was the only person whom he felt close, to whom he truly felt attached in the whole room. Something warm swam into his stomach at the thought.

Tintagel’s lord, Lord Arwin, was glad to have received Camelot’s assistance and he declared that Arthur could have complete freedom of movement in his lands. Arthur nodded his thanks and bowed slightly. He wondered if they remembered his mother, if they missed her. He could ask but he knew that he wouldn’t.  Beside him Merlin was silent, his eyes travelling around the room as If he was looking for something. When the court was over Arthur walked towards the chambers they had assigned him to fetch his cloak before going out on patrolling.

“Are you alright, Merlin?”

Merlin turned, his eyes wide.

“Oh, yeah I’m alright. Why do you ask me that?”

Arthur looked straight at him then shook his head.

He was grateful to be outside the castle. He had felt as an animal in a cage. He had decided to take only Merlin with him. They didn’t need to plunge into any attack, what they had to do was simply gather information and get used to the place and to the woods covering the hills surrounding the town. It was nice to be again on horseback with Merlin by his side. He was taken aback when he realised that he didn’t remember how it was before Merlin had arrived. He realised that if Merlin were to go away it would be impossible to go back to how it had used to be. Without thinking too much about it he picked up a handful of snow and threw it at Merlin. Merlin turned, a bright grin on his lips and threw one back. Arthur felt as if he was getting back a childhood that he hadn’t had. It was weird to do it where his mother had been born, but it felt right.

When they both were shaking at the dampness in their hair they moved back to the town.

“It’s your fault if we haven’t managed to scan the area better, you know that, Merlin?”

Merlin faked a pout.

“I’d say that’s more your fault for having reverted to being a child, _sire_.”

Arthur laughed and playfully shoved him. It was easier to bear it all, the cold, the sadness, the longing.

*

Merlin smiled at Arthur, hoping that the true extent of his affection wasn’t too visible. His hair was cold and damp because of the snow. It had been years since he had last played like that. He had been back In Ealdor and Will had been there with him. Merlin thought that it was amazing how things in life changed and moved ahead quickly. But he was grateful that his destiny had brought him to Camelot, that it had brought him into Arthur’s life.

They were riding along the path which lead from the eastern woods to the town when a chill ran up and down his spine. He turned but nothing or no-one was in sight. He darted a glance in Arthur’s direction, but the prince was oblivious of it all and was actually talking about hunting and the best time of the year to find foxes or something like that. Merlin tried to focus on his words but it was as if a globe of ice had settled at the bottom of his stomach refusing to melt away. He should be more careful whilst they remained in Tintagel, he knew that. There was something lurking under the surface. As there always was. Because it was as if destiny couldn’t have enough to create obstacles, to try to make Arthur fall, to separate Merlin from Arthur. He shivered at the thought.

That night Lord Arwin held a feast in honour of Arthur and his knights. Merlin stood behind Arthur’s chair, staring at his profile as he spoke to the men and women of the court. Sometimes Arthur seemed to have been born just to do that, to be a prince, to be a future king. It made Merlin’s heart fill with pride. He didn’t care if his role and his capacities weren’t recognised or known as long as Arthur was walking along his path. He would do everything to help him, to guide him. It was as if the dragon’s words had been carved in the flesh of his very heart. And that was why he decided that he had to investigate. He had to find out what was at work in the old shadows of the castle, what was sleeping under the earth of that land.

It was snowing outside when Merlin got out of the room that had been assigned to him and walked along the corridors. It was easier to find the room where he had seen the mysterious woman the night before. The door was closed and Merlin took a deep breath before whispering a couple of words. The door opened with a loud _click_ which echoed along the corridor. The room was empty. There was no sign of the candle which had burnt in there the previous night nor of the woman who had stood in front of the window. The air was filled with a weird smell, though. It was sweet, like lavender, it reminded Merlin of his mother. He brushed his fingers over old, dusted blankets. It seemed that no one had used the room in a very long time. But then who could the woman be? Why had she been there? He was about to turn and exit the room when he felt it again. It was as if someone was pushing cold fingers through his hair. He turned abruptly and all he caught from the corner of his eyes was a glimpse of gold. Then a voice came. It was nothing more than a whisper, but it wasn’t scary, it was gentle and tender.

“Don’t be afraid, young warlock.”

Merlin swallowed dry, trying to regain control over his tongue in order to speak.

“How…Who’re you?”

He summoned his magic until he could feel his fingertips tingling, ready to defend himself.

“Oh, but you don’t need to defend yourself from me, I’m not going to hurt you.”

The voice was somehow clearer. It was the voice of a woman, kind and almost soft at the edges.

“But…where are you?”

Her laugh was light.

“You can’t see me yet, boy. But I promise you’ll see me again soon.”

Realisation dawned on Merlin and he felt his eyes grow wider.

“You’re the woman I saw in here yesterday night!”

“You’re bright, boy. The young prince is lucky to have you by his side.”

Merlin blushed.

“You’re right, you know?”

Merlin blinked in the darkness of the room.

“About what, my lady?”

“You’re right to worry about what may happen. Keep your mind and heart open and alert.”

“What is going to happen?”

“I shall go now. Goodbye, _Merlin_.”

“But wait! What is going to happen? How do you even know my name?”

No answer came, there was only silence. Merlin tried to steady himself on his feet. That couldn’t have been the voice of a ghost right? Ghost weren’t supposed to exist.  He conjured a warm orange light and walked back to his room.

*

Arthur tried to convince himself that he wasn’t disappointed because Merlin wasn’t there when he woke up.

His dreams had been confused and they had left him tired. He had dreamt of a dusty and dark room. There had been a woman standing there, she had golden hair and a fond smile. She had taken his hands and squeezed them gently. She had told him not to be afraid. Arthur had wanted to ask what he wasn’t supposed to be afraid of but then the room had dissolved and he had found himself in a forest. The ground had been once again covered in snow. Something had hurt deep inside his chest and he had had to force himself to breathe. There had been drops of blood on the white of the snow, so red that it had been hard to look at them. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Merlin. He hadn’t known where he was but he had had the horrible sensation that he had to do something or he would lose Merlin for good. Then he had opened his eyes with a loud gasp and Merlin hadn’t been there.

Arthur lay still for a while more waiting for Merlin to arrive. He didn’t know why but he felt as if he _needed_ to see him, to touch him, to know that he was alright, that he was there. He smiled at the white light filling the room as the door opened. When he turned Merlin was standing there, his eyes shining blue. He walked over to the window and opened it.

“For God’s sake, Merlin! It’s freezing cold!”

Merlin grinned, dimples appearing at the corners of his mouth. Arthur felt something like happiness bubble up inside his chest. He wanted to tell Merlin about the dream, he knew that he had to let Merlin know how important he was. He cleared his throat but then someone knocked at the door. Arthur looked at Merlin and Merlin looked at Arthur, a questioning look on his face. Arthur simply nodded and Merlin went to open the door. A man was standing in the doorway.

“My lord has asked for the presence of your master.”

Arthur kept his eyes glued to the gentle line of Merlin’s back as he was saying that, yes, the prince would attend the council. He wondered what had happened and he tried to push the worry aside as a shiver ran like a wild animal along his spine. Merlin’s fingers were careful and gentle as he helped him get dressed. Arthur wanted to touch them. He didn’t know why but since he had woken up he had been feeling this urge to talk to Merlin, to open his mind and heart to him. But there wasn’t enough time.

Lord Arwin was sitting at the table surrounded by his counsellors and by some of the men of the court. Arthur noticed the distress on his features. He casted a quick glance in Merlin’s direction before sitting down. Over the night foreign soldiers had been spotted in the woods, they were said to have a sorcerer with them. A sentinel had seen them moving following a glowing ball of light. He and another sentinel had been spotted and had had to recoil. Arthur listened carefully. He hadn’t expected to find out that magic was involved. Magic was completely unknown territory for him which gave him a great strategic disadvantage. He bit his lower lip. Before Lord Arwin could add anything else Arthur got up.

“I’ll see to this as promised. Now if you excuse me.”

He walked out of the room without checking if Merlin was following. He had a bad feeling about the whole situation. It would be difficult to deal with the unknown soldiers if they had magic on their side. He couldn’t risk his men. He couldn’t risk Merlin. Back in his chambers he sat down in a chair and got lost in his thoughts.  The only thing that they could do was try to surprise the enemy moving at night. The sentinel had said that there weren’t many of them, it was mainly a bunch of men sent out to reconnoitre. He was barely aware of Merlin fidgeting by the window, casting worried looks in the direction of the woods.

*

The moment he had heard Lord Arwin talking about the presence of a sorcerer Merlin had known that the ghost had been right. He had the right to be worried indeed. If there was a sorcerer around Tintagel which indeed didn’t hold any strategic importance it was probable that he could be after Arthur considering that his mother had been born there. He waited as patiently as that he could until Arthur got up and went out looking for his knights. Then he quickly went back to the ghost’s room. It was different in the light of the day, somehow warmer and more familiar. She was there, waiting for him. She was sitting on the bed, her white hands in her lap. When he pushed the door open she lifted her gaze and smiled. That was enough for Merlin to understand.

“L-Lady Ygraine?”

She nodded, her golden locks surrounding her pale face. Merlin opened and closed his mouth. The similarity was breath-taking. It was as if he could see Arthur’s features reflected in hers. She was beautiful, just like Arthur.

“I was waiting for you, Merlin.”

Merlin shifted his weight from one leg to the other. It was weird to be In front of her. He wished that Arthur could see her.

“Why…why is it that you know my name, my lady?”

Ygraine patted the old mattress and Merlin sat down beside her. Her eyes were even clearer when he was close to her.

“I know it because you’re Arthur’s destiny. You’re my son’s half, dear boy.”

Merlin didn’t know how to read those words. He already knew that he was Arthur’s destiny, that he was the one to help Arthur to become a great king and to reunite Albion. Still he wondered if there was space for love in all of that, if the fact that he had fallen in love with Arthur was something that destiny had contemplated. He stared at his hands.

“A time for everything will come, Merlin.”

Merlin lifted his gaze and stared at her. Surely ghosts weren’t supposed to read other people’s thoughts, right? Ygraine smiled fondly at him and took his hand.

“You simply have to show him your true self, my boy.”

Merlin shook his head.

“I can’t…what if he doesn’t understand? What if he thinks I’ve betrayed him, what if…”

Ygraine squeezed his hand.

“Believe in your destiny, my boy. And protect him, now more than ever. Don’t let his heart be broken.”

Merlin felt something hard stuck in his throat. He wouldn’t let it happen, he wouldn’t let anyone hurt Arthur.

“I won’t let anyone break his heart. And if it happens, I’ll fix it.”

Ygraine smiled and cupped his cheek. Her hand was warm even if she came from another world, another dimension where Arthur couldn’t reach her.

“You’ve a great heart, Merlin. Now I’m sure that my son is in good hands.”

Merlin wanted her to remain there, he wanted Arthur to see her.

“Can’t…can’t you show yourself to Arthur? He…he misses you.”

Ygraine’s eyes were sad and deep as a lake.

“I can’t, my boy. My life was the price for his. We cannot meet, not now, not ever.”

Merlin could feel her sadness, her longing.

“I’m sure he feels you close anyway, my lady.”

Ygraine smiled gently before getting up. Merlin quickly stood with her. He felt a blush creep on his cheeks as her arms closed around him. Her voice was a whisper in his ear.

“I’ve got to go now, my boy. Thank you for being by Arthur’s side.”

Before Merlin could say something she dissolved. He remained there for a while more staring at the empty space where she had been. He wished Arthur could have seen her but all he could do was being by Arthur’s side and be his rock where he had no one else.

Arthur was pacing back and forth in his room waiting for the sunset to come. All the knights had been informed about the mission. Merlin knew that what Arthur hated the most was waiting for the right time to come. He cleared his throat as he closed the door behind his back. Arthur looked at him. His eyes were hard but he could read right through them. Arthur was worried and Merlin wanted nothing more than soothing him.

“You’ve to rest a bit before tonight, Arthur.”

Arthur flashed him a hard glance but let Merlin guide him to the bed and sat down. Merlin didn’t know if it was because of his encounter with Lady Ygraine but he was afraid of seeing Arthur dissolve through his fingers. He needed to be sure that he was real so he did the first thing that came to his mind. At first Arthur stiffened under his fingertips as Merlin started to gently squeeze his shoulders. Then he gradually relaxed as Merlin tried to loosen the knots in Arthur’s muscles. It was a small gesture, Merlin knew it, but still he wanted to do something.

Arthur leant against his chest and Merlin could feel his heart speed up. He should have been used to Arthur’s proximity but it was hard to keep his body and his mind under control. When Arthur spoke his voice was low and soft.

“Can you even imagine that she has lived here? She has run along these corridors.”

Merlin remained silent and simply listened to Arthur as he spoke about his thoughts about his mother, about his childhood. He had never seen Arthur so open and so unguarded. He hoped that he could always be like that with him, and only with him. Outside the sun was lower over the horizon when Arthur stopped talking and Merlin stopped massaging him. Arthur turned and they looked at each other in the half-light which had invaded the room. Merlin could clearly feel the magic twirling in the air outside, something was moving and he had to keep Arthur close to him. He didn’t think much before leaning down and pressing his lips to Arthur’s.

*

Merlin’s lips weren’t as he had always imagined them. They were softer and they fitted perfectly against his own. He hadn’t expected it to happen, he had always thought that he had to keep his affection to himself, that he wasn’t supposed to feel like that for his one and only friend. Merlin tentatively licked at his lower lip and Arthur’s thoughts were scattered all around. Thinking about roles and rules wasn’t important any more. What mattered were Merlin’s hands in his hair and Merlin’s lips moving gently against his own. Arthur slowly stroked his tongue around Merlin’s and something liquefied inside of him at the sound of Merlin’s soft moan. He didn’t want it to end.

When they broke the kiss to breathe Arthur looked straight into the blue of Merlin’s eyes. It was as if something was calling him and he couldn’t help but desire to get lost inside Merlin. He looked so beautiful with his lips swollen and his cheeks redder.

“Merlin…”

The other boy simply smiled and Arthur wondered how it was possible for the two of them to talk without words. He smiled back and pulled Merlin down for another kiss. He had never experienced something similar to what kissing Merlin was. Kissing him was like touching pure energy, it was as if his heart and blood were answering to Merlin. He let his body move on his own accord and flipped Merlin down on the mattress. The sight of Merlin looking up at him, his chest rising and falling quickly, sucked the air out of Arthur’s lungs. He leant down again, tracing the line of Merlin’s neck with kisses. He wished that he could live like that, with Merlin’s lips on his own. But then reality caught up with them in the form of Sir Leon knocking at the door. Arthur wanted nothing more than to ignore it and close himself in a world where there would be only himself and Merlin, without battles, duties or pain. But it wasn’t possible, he knew it. So he kissed  Merlin once last time, pressing his palm against his cheek and then got up. Merlin quickly followed him. Arthur shook his head trying to calm the storm inside his heart and told Sir Leon to enter.

Outside the night was dark. The moon was half hidden by thick clouds as well as the stars. It was hard to move and Arthur had to use all of his concentration to find the right path towards the woods. He had been out at night on a hunt or patrolling many times but he had never got used to the way things dilated when immersed in the darkness. Everything seemed bigger somehow. He could hear Merlin breathing by his left side. It was oddly reassuring among the muffled sounds filling the wood. They advanced in the snowy darkness. The ground was covered in snow and a shiver ran up and down Arthur’s spine at the thought that it was like in his dreams. He turned in Merlin’s direction. It was difficult to make out his features but it was as if energy was radiating from him and Arthur could feel it, could feel Merlin. He was about to call for him when a noise reached his ears.

He scanned the area. They were in an opening, surrounded by trees, the ground was covered in snow and in certain spots it had frozen. Arthur felt his blood boil inside his veins and quickly gestured to the other knights to get off their horses and prepare themselves. The air was thick and heavy as before a storm. Arthur looked at Merlin from the corner of his eye. He was standing there, his eyes wide and his hands closed into fists along his sides. Arthur felt the need to protect him stronger than ever. Then a flash of white lights surrounded them all. He was barely aware of the shouts of the knights, of the sounds of sword against sword. All that his eyes could see was the white of the snow under his feet and the man standing in front of him.

He was taller than him and his eyes were green and hard. He was smiling and Arthur felt ice in his stomach.

“This is something from which you won’t be able to escape, Pendragon. The magic which has created you will destroy you.”

His voice was low and it reminded Arthur of the hiss of a snake. He wanted to ask what was the sense of those words. He tried to open his mouth to answer but he couldn’t. All of sudden the sorcerer vanished and a woman stood in front of him. Arthur didn’t even have to ask who she was, he was sure of it. She was his mother. He took a step towards her but she took a step back and raised a hand. Arthur cried in pain as he felt his skin burning as if he was on fire. He wanted to shout, to tell her that he was her son, to ask why she was doing that to him. He sank to his knees shaking. He felt himself slip away, as if his energy had been sucked out of him.

*

Merlin didn’t manage to counterattack in time. He tried to call Arthur’s name but he didn’t answer. He just stood there, in the middle of the battle facing the sorcerer. Merlin saw right through the bubble of magic which the other sorcerer had built. He saw what the other was showing Arthur and the moment he saw Arthur fall onto his knees he felt his heart sink. He moved without thinking too much. He passed right through the barrier and came to stand by Arthur’s side. Arthur was sobbing, his eyes veiled by the tears. Merlin thought about the promise he had made to Lady Ygraine. He moved to stand between the wizard and Arthur. He knew that he was risking his secret but he would risk his life for the sake of Arthur. It was useless to deny it, as it was useless to deny that his feelings had long before blossomed in something too big to be contained.

“Merlin?”

He couldn’t turn, he wouldn’t stand the sight of the pain and of the loss in Arthur’s eyes.

“It’s an illusion, Arthur and I’m here. I’ve always been with you.”

He sensed the sorcerer’s magic before seeing the bolt of blue light which escaped from the other’s fingertips. He was strong but Merlin knew that he had no choice other than defeat him. He summoned all his magic from deep inside him. He felt it run along his veins and pool inside his heart. He let it all out and it smashed the other sorcerer to the ground with no effort. The bubble dissolved around them and the sounds of the battle filled the space again. As they saw their sorcerer on the ground the mercenaries stopped to fight and ran towards the woods. The knights ran after them and Merlin remained alone with Arthur.

The air was colder and the clouds had left space for a pale and big moon to shine over them. Merlin didn’t have the courage to turn around. For an instant he wished that he could be up there, on the moon, safe. But a part of him knew that even if it was possible he would hate it because Arthur wouldn’t be there. He took a deep breath and turned. Arthur was still kneeling on the snow, his armour shining slightly in the moon-light.  They looked at each other. The silence was almost solid and it weighted on Merlin’s shoulders. He swallowed. He knew that he had to say something.

“Arthur, I…”

Arthur shook his head and Merlin felt as if someone was squeezing his heart.

“Arthur, please! Let me explain, I…”

“I don’t want to hear it, Merlin.”

“But…”

“I’ve already seen it!”

Merlin bit his lower lip hard.

“I’ve wanted to tell you so many times. I didn’t want you to find it out like this.”

He could feel tears threatening to fall but he forced them back.

“You…and I imagine you know what he meant when he said when he said that magic has created me? You must think alike, you magical… _creatures_.”

It hurt. It hurt as if someone had just stabbed him. Merlin opened his mouth to find out that it was hard to breathe. He wanted to be away from Arthur, as far away as possible, but he also knew that he couldn’t continue to lie. So he told him everything, of the pact between Nimueh and Uther, of Lady Ygraine’s fate, of his encounters with her. When he finished, Arthur didn’t say a word. The other knights came back with the mercenaries whom they had managed to capture. They went back to Tintagel and along the road Merlin wanted to reach out for Arthur, to brush his fingers over the back of his hand but he held himself back. When they arrived he followed Arthur along the corridors until he reached his chambers. Then Arthur turned, his eyes fierce and pained at the same time.

“Go away, Merlin.”

“But…”

“Please…”

And his voice was so broken that Merlin couldn’t do anything else. He simply turned and slowly walked back to his room.

*

Arthur didn’t sleep at all. He spent the night laying in his bed. He couldn’t stop to shiver, the memories coming back at him in waves. His mother, Merlin’s back, the light emanating from Merlin, the truth about his birth. The pain he was feeling was almost physical. He wanted Merlin’s comfort and yet he was paralysed. He could still feel Merlin’s power on his skin. It had been terrifying and breath-taking at the same time. He swallowed. He couldn’t help but think about Merlin as the most fascinating creature on Earth. The only person who held his heart. He closed his eyes and buried his face into the pillow. He tried to convince himself that he could just push all of his love away, Merlin could just leave Camelot and everything would be alright. Dawn came and his mind was full only of Merlin’s smiles and Merlin’s eyes.

The ride back to Camelot was long. The air was cold but the knights’ spirits were high because of the victory. Arthur had to force himself not to look in Merlin’s direction. He wasn’t ready to look into his eyes yet. What if what he found there was just hate and fear? What if those kisses hadn’t had any meaning? What if… his mind spun with all the question and the doubts. He felt tired and his heart was cold. He wanted nothing more to be back to where they had stood before all of that, side by side under the sky of Camelot.

The days after their return he tried to avoid Merlin as much as he could. He needed time and space for himself. Merlin didn’t push, he spent most of his time helping Gaius and he didn’t speak to Arthur or look at him when he had to attend him in his chambers. Arthur found out soon enough that it was unbearable. His feeling were still there, strong and deep and it hurt to feel the distance between himself and Merlin. A distance that he had built. It was hard to face the truth about his mother alone as it was hard to be haunted by the memories of Merlin’s soft lips, of his gentle fingers.

It was on an evening three weeks after their return from Tintagel. Arthur had spent hours simply pacing along the buttresses as the wind slapped him in the face. He had remembered summer days when he had stood there with Merlin, looking at the town and at the woods below, talking as if the world was theirs. He missed it like air. He had thought about his father, about his destiny, about the future. Then he had entered the castle and had walked straight to Gaius’ chambers.

He pushed the door open. The room was warm and smelt like herbs. Gaius was nowhere to be seen but Merlin was sitting at a table, pouring a green liquid inside a vial. He didn’t say a word but he knew that Merlin knew that it was him by the way his shoulders had tensed. He wanted nothing more than see Merlin’s smile again.

“Merlin…”

He didn’t answer and Arthur took a step forward, and then another and another until he was standing just few paces behind Merlin.

“Please, Merlin, look at me.”

Merlin sighed and turned. His eyes were deep and watery and oh, so blue that Arthur had to resist the urge to kiss him right away. Instead he tentatively traced the line of Merlin’s cheek bone with his thumb.

“I…I miss you.”

It was hard to say it out loud, to let his heart fall open, but it was his last chance. He looked as Merlin’s irises trembled slightly, sparks of gold twirling inside them.

“I’m sorry for having disappeared but I need to think, I…it’s hard to accept all of this.”

Merlin’s voice was thin as paper as he spoke.

“I know, Arthur. I don’t ask you to accept it, I can just leave and…”

Arthur gently shook his head.

“I don’t want you to leave, I…couldn’t stand it.”

Merlin’s eyes grew wide.

“But then…what do you want, Arthur? I’ve lied to you, I...you called me a _creature_ , I no longer have a place here…with you…”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it…I don’t even think it. You’re the most precious being I’ve ever met…I…am glad that you were there with me. That you’ve always been by my side.”

Merlin looked uncertain, the worry still swimming in his eyes. Arthur simply leaned forward and brushed his lips against Merlin’s. After a first moment he felt Merlin responding, and for the first time he felt Merlin’s magic surge and envelope them both. He kissed Merlin as if it was the first time. It was something precious which made his soul sing. When they broke the kiss he pressed his forehead against Merlin’s. He took a deep breath and took Merlin’s hand into his.

“I don’t want you to ever go away. I want you by my side. It’s too lonely without you, it’s too cold.”

Then Merlin smiled. It blossomed like a flower and it took Arthur’s breath away. He thought that his life would be worth living if he could see that smile every day.

“I want you so much, all of you, your beauty and your magic and just everything.”

He felt like a child in front of something too big for him. He didn’t know how to put it into words. Merlin pressed a finger to his lips and smiled again, his eyes shining with affection.

“You already have me, Arthur. You’ll always have me.”

Merlin kissed him again and as they stumbled towards Merlin’s room Arthur felt something like joy erupt inside of him, igniting his bones. He had never felt something like that, he had never felt so safe. For an instant he thought he could see it, his and Merlin’s future. A future where they would be together, where their souls would not be separated for eternity.

 

 

 


End file.
